


What's Left of Me

by satsuki19



Category: Free!
Genre: M/M, One-Sided Yamazaki Sousuke/Matsuoka Rin, slight Matsuoka Rin/Tachibana Makoto - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-28
Updated: 2014-11-28
Packaged: 2018-02-27 07:38:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,298
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2684663
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satsuki19/pseuds/satsuki19
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I’m losing you, aren't I, Rin?<br/>You have someone else you care about and I have to accept that, no matter how I actually hate that fact.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What's Left of Me

**Author's Note:**

> I've been dying inside you see  
> I'm going out of my mind  
> I'm just running in circles all the time  
> Will you take what's left of me?
> 
> -Nick Lachey, What's Left of Me

It’s ten p.m. and I’m stuck on the phone with a certain gentle-hearted giant who was ranting about his love life. A love life that involved my own special someone. Can this night get any worse?

 

“I really am sorry for bothering you with this, Yamazaki-kun, it's just that..” Makoto mumbled on the other side of the phone, “I cant help thinking that Rin will leave me at one point,” sounding quite exasperated. I really did wish he had decided to call me on another time, though, it was Monday night and I had other plans to do tomorrow. But I guess I could forgive him if it’s about this; it involved Rin, after all. He'd been worrying himself sick about small details that Rin wouldn't even mind. But then again, Rin was practically the first love of his life and it's so obvious how much in love they really are.

 

“Well, talking about Nanase while on a date with him is harsh. Did you really not have any other topic to talk about?”

  
  


“Um... I guess I don't?” he mumbled, sounding uncertain of his own words, “But even if I did... Rin had promised me that he'd accept that Haru's a part of me; I was... Kinda testing that out...”

  
  


Well, that was one thing I didn't expect, though. I thought the guy was a saint uncapable of pulling mean pranks like those.

  
  


“You knew it'd hurt him, though?”

  
  


“...”

  
  


“For fuck's sake, Tachibana. Then why'd you do it in the first place? There are other ways to test out things like that.”

 

I knew it was a stupid question to ask though. When you’re insecure about your love, you’d do almost anything to make sure that the love is there. You’d give ridiculous tests; ask ridiculous questions; make ridiculous assumptions… And usually, in the end, instead of getting a confirmation, you’ll get a breakup. But telling Makoto this would probably not be a good thing, knowing how he is and all. He'd probably panic and make things worse. Or better.

  
  


… hopefully worse?

  
  


_What the fuck, Yamazaki._

 

“I guess you're right, Yamazaki-kun,” the raven sighed, “I’m just testing him to make sure. I really didn’t mean anything. If he wants to do the same to me I really wouldn’t mind.”

 

“Yeah, well, Rin's a bit too fragile for that,” I mumbled, “He'd probably feel as if you don't believe in him,” lying down on my bed and using my arm as a pillow, “Believe me, I’ve been through it with Kisumi.”

 

And then, all I could hear was a sigh and a long pause.

 

I knew he was trying to make his point clear, and I really do understand his feelings towards Rin; hell I've been feeling the same since elementary. I knew had I to fix this, for Rin's sake, but it simply hurts. I know that they’ve been together for over a year now and I know that they are very codependent on each other and I know I’ve realized my feelings a tad too late, but fixing the relationship of someone you love…

 

”I just feel so useless…” Makoto spoke again, “I’ve never been in a relationship before, and I'm afraid I'll tie him down too much… Like yesterday when we went to the park and he met his friends I don’t know anything about, I felt bothered because he seemed so close to them… I felt as if they were trying to take him from me. I mean, I know how a person stares at someone they like!”

  
  


Yeah, I know how that feels; Rin's such a beauty he can even turn the heads of straight males on more than one occasion. _Which pissed_ me _off on more than one occasion._

 

“Well if you felt like it then why didn’t you do anything about it?” I sighed, rolling my eyes, and then other line suddenly went completely void of noises. Frowning, I took my phone from my checked the connection; the line was still active. _Huh?_ Then I adjusted my headphones, and I still didn’t hear a sound. Is he still there?

 

“Tachibana?” I called out into the microphone, and he finally replied.

 

“Sorry, I was just thinking…” he mumbled, continuing in a small voice, “I really wanna do something when I feel that people are too close to him, but I don’t wanna seem as if I’m monopolizing him all to myself. I don’t wanna chain him to me, and yet I don’t like him being too close to anybody… I feel like, he’s mine, you know?”

 

_So you don’t like_ _him_ _being close to me, either?_

 

“Yeah I know how you feel,” _better than you think I do_ , I thought, continuing, “But trust me when I say he likes to be monopolized. I can bet you anything that he approaches other people just to get your attention and make you come and get him. He’s very insecure about you too, you know.”

 

“He is?” Makoto asked, sounding quite surprised, and I inwardly facepalmed myself. He can’t even read his own boyfriend’s feelings and characteristics? Well, I know I’m not so familiar with Kisumi’s feelings either but I could at least tell when he was hinting for me to come and get him.

 

_Oh,_ _Tachibana_ _,_ _I guess you really are as hopeless as you look._

 

“Very. He keeps complaining on how he can’t be a good enough boyfriend for you, and I know from the way he talks that he’s afraid you’ll leave him for someone else, and – ”

 

“I won’t!” Makoto suddenly exclaimed and I was so surprised I actually winced. He could be really loud when he wanted to be.

 

“I know,” I sighed, “Look, Tachibana, I know exactly how you feel, I’ve been through the same thing,” I stated, sitting up, “Take my advice, if you feel threatened, do something about it. Less talk more action. If Rin’s being approached by other people, hug him from behind and join the conversation or something! He’s yours to do as you like,” I blurted out, before rethinking my words and adding in quickly, “But if you hurt him I _will_ hurt you back,” and he laughed at the statement.

 

I know he knows that I meant what I said; my protectiveness over Rin isn’t a big surprise to anybody anymore and Rin – oddly – doesn’t even protest. I even think he got more clingier to me these days but hey I certainly am not complaining.

 

“Ah yes, I understand,” he replied, and I swear I could’ve heard the smile in his voice, “Thank you, Yamazaki-kun, Kisumi must be very lucky to have you!”

  
  


A bitter laugh nearly escaped me.

 

 

~~~

 

 

“He said that? Really?” Rin asked me, eyebrows raised as I told him everything of the little chat I just had with Makoto. The effects were exactly as I had predicted them to be; he looked torn between happy and uneasy and started to fidget as he was obviously trying to gather his words to make a decent sentence.

 

I hated to see him like this. I hated the way he could feel so worried, hurt or insecure about someone who wasn’t me. I know I had the power to mix up their relationship and have them break up; I seriously had a plan forming in my mind. But I knew how it’d turn out later on. I know that I can never replace Makoto in Rin's heart, I know how heartbroken he’d be if they really did discontinue their relationship… And I certainly know that he can’t ever love me more than a brother.

 

“But I thought that he…” Rin mumbled, more to himself than to me, “Huh, I shouldn’t have said that to him then, I guess.”

 

“Said what?” I spoke up, and Rin immediately shook his head, letting out a heavy sigh.

 

“Nothing really important, I just…” he paused, frowning in thought, “But you did explain to him how I think, right?” looking at me with those eyes filled with worry… It looks so sincere and so scared and…

 

I just really hate myself now.

 

_How did I ever manage to have the heart to actually plan your breakup?_

 

“Of course I did,” I said, shrugging and sitting down beside him on his futon, “He gets it now. Stop worrying so much,” and I patted his head as he moved to lean against me with a sigh. It felt comfortable and uncomfortable at the same time; I liked him being tactile with me but it also hurt seeing as I wished it to be more than just some innocent bromance-y skinship. But then again, I know he needs me and I can’t help but feel happy when I know that he does. Why else would Rin ask to stay at my place every time he comes from Australia; he had a boyfriend and yet he chose to stay with me. It made me happy, if only a bit. I want him to need me to comfort him, to hug him, to _anything_ , as long as it’s just me that he needs.

 

_I could still mess u_ _p._ _I could still tell them opposites. God knows I’m an excellent liar. I could simply just give them the wrong bait, make sure they can’t stand each other, and then –_

 

_No, wait, what the hell am I thinking?!_

 

“This is so messed up,” I mumbled out of the blue, and Rin immediately tensed, slowly moving off of me. I really wished he didn’t though, I kinda feel very empty right now.

 

“Ah, sorry,” Rin grinned apologetically, and I shrugged. I could feel a smile creeping up my cheeks and I didn’t bother to hide it; I was happy. At least I’m the only one who can see this cute, fragile and insecure side of his… I just wonder how long it’s gonna take before I’m not the only one anymore.

 

“It's fine, get back here,” and I moved to hug his waist from behind, pulling him into me and resting my head on his shoulder to which he responded by gently scratching my scalp. He considered me a brother; a very close friend, an important person in his life, though not as important as I'd like to be... I inhaled the scent of his hair and held him closer.

  
  


_God Kisumi I'm so sorry._

 

“Hey,” Rin mumbled out of the blue, breaking the comfortable silence, “If it’s true what you’re saying ,then that means he's finally gonna start being more dominant, huh?” and I'm sure that he has no idea of how taken aback I was by that sincere smile on his face. I felt happy, happy for him, though feeling sad at the same time.

  
  


“Guess so.”

 

_I’m losing you, aren't I, Rin?_

 

_No matter how many times you assure me that you won’t ever leave me, no matter how many times I nod and smile and take your word for it, I just can’t help feel that I really am losing you. You don’t belong to just me anymore. You have someone else you care about and I have to accept that, no matter how I actually hate that fact._

 

“Thanks, Sousuke.”

 

And he ruffled my hair up before raising himself out of my embrace and off the futon, walking towards the bathroom door located inside my room. A sudden feeling of fear crept up on me then, as I watched his back distance itself farther away from me – well, as far as my small share-room would allow, anyway – and I found myself wondering how long it would take before he'd stop coming to me for everything; how long it'd be before Makoto took over my position in Rin's heart completely.

  
  


Assuming I have a position in the first place.

  
  


“Hey, Rin.”

  
  


He stopped in his tracks, right by the bathroom door, and turned to face me, “Yeah?”  
  
“I, uh...”

  
  


What was I supposed to ask? _Do I mean anything to you? What do I mean to you?_ Sounds so cheesy; so unlike me. But how should I put it? Should I even ask? I know it wasn't anything important and I should just back off now, shrug it off as nothing, but I'm just  so desperate! I have to know!

  
  


“... Nothing. Was just wondering something. Nevermind.”

  
  


Way to go, Yamazaki. That was the lamest excuse ever; and by the way Rin's raising his eyebrows shows that he didn't buy it at all. Slowly, he turned around to fully face me, leaning sideways onto the bathroom door sill and crossing his arms.

  
  


“Nobody can replace you, you know,” he mumbled, his face uncertain but voice steady and confident, “Makoto's my boyfriend, but you... Well,” a chuckle came as he ran a hand through his hair, “I can't even label you, haha. You're precious to me, though. Stop worrying, okay? You look like a girl,” and with a last grin, he pushed himself off the sill and proceeded inside the bathroom.

 

~~~

 

“Hush hush… It’s alright,” Kisumi whispered soothingly as he stroked my dark locks, “We'll work it out, okay? I'll get you through this,” and I nodded in agreement, the angry tears still flowing freely down my face and staining his shirt. I knew how unfair this must be for him, how much it must _hurt_.

 

I don’t know what came over me when I agreed on Kisumi's proposal to go steady.

 

Kisumi had been the person I spilled my guts to ever since Makoto had finally gotten the guts to ask Rin out. He had accepted with a furious blush on his face. I'd know; I was there when it happened. A few weeks later, I felt so miserable I tried my shot at drinking – there wasn't anything else I could do with this damned shoulder – and the next thing I knew I woke up in a bed that later on turned out to be Kisumi's. Turns out that he had spotted me unconscious and decided to bring me home. Seeing as I've been talking to him before the whole drinking thing, it wasn't long before he got me talking... and in his bed.

  
  


Then it was like a routine; I'd go to him every time I reached my stress limit, we'd talk. I'd either get mad or punch a hole and be overall miserable, while he'd just tend to everything I do or say before the two of us ended up a moaning mess in his bed. Then, after a good few months of repeating it over and over and over again, he asked me out. Despite knowing how I felt about Rin, he asked me out, hoping he could win me over. And I said yes.

  
  


He just seemed like the perfect big brother type – he'd had practice with Hayato – and he was just overall perfect. He didn’t mind if I came to him in the middle of the night and he certainly didn’t mind that I was still in love with my taken best friend, despite being in a relationship with him. Even if he did, he certainly isn’t showing it and outright refuses to talk about it.

  
  


His love for me seemed so obvious that I actually had considered to stop talking about Rin to him for his sake. But he had of course caught on and insisted I keep nothing from him; he insisted that it didn't matter if I had lingering feelings for Rin as long as I'd promise him that I was his. But how could I be his if my feelings for Rin were so strong?

  
  


How did I deserve him, anyway?

  
  


“God, I'm so sorry,” I mumbled into his neck, holding him tight, so tight I think I must've suffocated him at one point, “I'm so sorry, Kisumi, you deserve so much better than me.”

  
  


His laugh cut through my heart like a blade; and yet it oddly calmed me.

  
  


“I can decide that for myself,” he replied, a smile obvious in his voice, nuzzling my shoulder lovingly, “I don't mind you being like this. I promised you I'd get you to love me, and I will.”

  
  


“But how –“

  
  


“You're already starting to love me, bit by bit,” and he moved back a bit so that he can see me, and I nearly winced as I saw how his purple eyes were just a few shades lighter than Rin's maroon ones, “You accepted me,” he stroked my hair, fond eyes never leaving me, “you're considering my feelings,” a beautiful smile, “and you feel bad for me. It's a start, Sou-chan,” and my eyes fluttered close as he leaned in and pressed our lips together.

  
  


Unlike the previous times, the kiss didn't escalate at all; it was just a pair of lips moving against each other, looking for warmth and acceptance and love and I felt him pulling me gently on top of him, feel him shift and spread his legs so that I was seated in between them. When he pulled away, he only looked up to me and offered a shaky smile.

  
  


“It does hurt. I wont lie. But you've already let Rin go for me, and it helps.”

  
  


“I have?”

  
  


“You have,” he nodded, “You still love him, but you're letting go. That thing you did today, working things out between the two of them, it must've taken a lot. But you did, for Rin's sake, and that means you've let go.”

  
  


“You're okay with that? That I'm not all yours?” Because that's all Rin kept talking about; a relationship had to be about two people in love, two people who gave all of themselves, all of their romantic love, to each other and each other alone, and even an idiot can see that this is far from whatever it is that Rin meant.

  
  


A small smile and a shrug accompanied his answer, “It's better than nothing.”

  
  


And as Kisumi pulled me down for another kiss, I realized what I had to do. I had to focus on what was in front of me; focus on Kisumi and fight for his happiness and live with the fact that Rin never was – and never will be – mine. I don't have to shed my love for him, I'd just have direct it. I'd just have to live for Kisumi, instead living for Rin, like I'd done all these years. I'd just have to learn and accept that it's Kisumi I'm kissing. Open my eyes and accept it's Kisumi I'm holding instead of closing them and imagining shades of red scattered across the pillow.

  
  


But it was just so hard.

Talking had always been easier than doing and it became all the harder if your heart was involved.

 

“S-sousuke –“ he whispered as I broke the kiss, gazing back into my eyes as I searched his purple hues. _Kisumi. This is Kisumi. Not Rin, but Kisumi. Kisumi, Kisumi, Kisumi –_

  
  


“Yes, that's my name,” a chuckle broke my focus, “Not Rin, but Kisumi,” he repeated and I tensed as I realised that I've just spoken out loud. He didn't seem to mind at all, though, but simply pulled me down to lie beside him.

 

"I'll help you," Kisumi gently smiled as he kissed my forehead, "I'll make you happy and help you forget him," and he moved to nuzzle the crook of my neck, his arm wrapped securely around my waist. For the first time in my life I could actually feel as if I'm being loved. With Kisumi, I could finally just be weak, not having to pretend..

 

Maybe this is the kind of comfort that Rin felt with Makoto.

 

A comfort that I couldn't ever give him?

 

_If only I could've made you feel like this sooner..._

 

_Would your heart have stayed with me?  
_

 

 


End file.
